The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
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In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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