Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
