Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
