Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
