You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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