I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
