I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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