The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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