your parents love me but you hate me
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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