I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
