it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
