I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
