after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
