I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
