You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
