the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
