My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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