I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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