some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
