i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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