I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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