i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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