Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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