My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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