he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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