Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
