i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
