I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
