Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
