You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she smelled like a LAN party
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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