So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
