thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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