I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
