Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
