like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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