Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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