So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
