Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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