I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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