I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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