Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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