i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
