He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
