Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
