my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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