She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
