what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
