Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize