dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
