I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
