I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
