i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
