after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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