i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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