i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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