her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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