I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
