he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
